


In the flames of a dying star is where my love burns for you

by namjoon_on_the_moon



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Feelings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurts So Good, I Made Myself Cry, Idiots in Love, Injury, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad and Sweet, Their Love Is So, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:54:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24887938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namjoon_on_the_moon/pseuds/namjoon_on_the_moon
Summary: Maybe it was because he couldn’t tell the hosts of variety shows how his favorite thing to do in the mornings was wake up Moonbin and satisfy the selfish part of him that needed to be the first thing the other’s soft sleepy eyes saw every day.Sometimes home is a person not a place. Sometimes safety is a person and not a feeling. Sometimes love isn't an emotion, it's your best friend.
Relationships: Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo & Moon Bin, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 87





	In the flames of a dying star is where my love burns for you

Eunwoo was asked about his members all the time. How would he describe them in one word? What were their biggest strengths? What were their weirdest habits? What are their talents? Their weaknesses? He has never struggled to answer them as his members are full of character and personality. MJ is loud and optimistic. Rocky is easily embarrassed and has a strange habit of dancing when he feels uncomfortable. JinJin is old at heart and gives great advice. Sanha is innocent and a hard worker despite how much he complains. But then someone will go and ask him about Moonbin and his mind will come to halt. It frustrates him to no end, because out of everyone in the group him and Bin are the closest. Magnets. The soap couple. Roommates. Best friends. So why does he find it so hard to describe him? When Eunwoo was in school he never had a problem with words. He could pull essays and presentations out of his ass the night before they were due. Language was always his strong suit. As an actor he had an affinity for memorizing lines faster than the average person. But when Moonbin became the topic of conversation his words halted in his throat and choked him. 

That night at dinner, as he sat among the chaos of Mj and Sanha’s impromptu improv of a historical drama scene between a first born and second born prince fighting over a side of kimchi, he thought about his dilemma. Moonbin sat directly across from him and was more distracting than Eunwoo would allow himself to admit. Bin’s hair was dyed purple and fluffy from the shower he had taken when they had gotten home from dance practice. Promotions were starting soon and it was a stressful time for all of them, but Bin always put heavy expectation on himself as their center. He was their jack of all trades and always put in extra hours around their comebacks. Eunwoo could see the way it affected him. The way his shoulders looked more sculpted in his tank tops and his face looked thinner even when he was shoveling rice in his face at an impressive pace. Eunwoo thought Bin was cute when he ate, though he knew it was a biased opinion. It was like watching a child. Bin brought his face to the food instead of the other way around and always made a variety of sounds and faces that were endearing.

“You okay Minnie?” Eunwoo was stunned out of his thoughts by the very boy he had been staring at. His ears heated up.

“Yeah sorry. Spaced out for a second.”

Bin flicked a piece of carrot at him but his eyes looked up at him in worry. Eunwoo just flashed him a smile that he hoped looked more reassuring than it felt. He could tell Bin didn’t buy it by the way his eyes rounded out further. Eunwoo was paralyzed by them. A sudden outburst from Rocky next to him diverted their attention and had them all laughing as Sanha got on his knees and apologized for spilling his lemonade on the boy’s lap.

Eunwoo showered after dinner and let the water run cold as he got lost in his head. There were so many adjectives in the korean language and it was so easy just to pick one that sounded nice and use it for Bin when people asked. Moonbin was talented. He was handsome. He was hard working. Those were all true, so why did his heart feel like he was betraying the other by saying them? Why did those words feel cheap and wrong? Why couldn’t he talk about Bin like he could talk about the other members? Eunwoo put his face under the water and counted to 10 before letting himself breathe again. He was supposed to be the calm, collected, calculated face of the group. He was supposed to be composed and thoughtful. Cha Eunwoo was supposed to know what to say, so why didn’t he have the words? He shut off the water and ran his hands through his hair repeatedly until his scalp stung. JinJin banged on the door and Eunwoo was glad to be dragged out the bathroom and his pity party. 

He walked into his shared room and immediately knew the answer to his earlier questioning. Bin was laying on Eunwoo’s bed. Shirtless, with sweatpants slung low on sculpted hips. The lights were off but Bin had opened the window shutters so the moonlight made his skin look like fresh cream.He was otherworldly in an angelic ethereal way, because normal people didn’t glow the way the Bin did. He turned his head to meet Eunwoo’s eyes and he could’ve melted where he stood in a puddle of unrequited feelings. Bin was like every dream he had ever had. And then he stood up, with his slinking cat-like grace that only he possessed and looked at Eunwoo with a familiar warmth and mischief in his cat-like eyes and grabbed the towel that was hanging around his shoulders. 

“You’re gonna catch a cold if you don’t dry your hair. Sit. I’ll do it.” 

It wasn’t a question. Eunwoo wouldn’t have said no anyways. He just elbowed Bin in the side after Bin wound up the towel and smacked him on the ass with it. Eunwoo sat down on his bed and Bin crawled to perch on his knees behind him. His skin was set alight everywhere they touched, from where Bin’s thighs rested around his hips and his chest brushed against his back when he inhaled. It was so painfully intimate and Eunwoo was feeling sensitive from it all. He stayed quiet as the other worked through his hair diligently. The feeling of Bin’s fingers running repetitively through his hair was making goose flesh appear on his arms and his stomach dance nervously. He hoped his ears weren’t as red as they felt. He was so painfully aware of how close Bin’s warm chest was to the skin of his back. He could imagine his skin charing at the heat the other produced.

“Why are you so tense? Am I hurting you?” Bin’s voice was quiet in the small space between them. Eunwoo opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he closed them due to the rhythmic hands running through his hair. 

“No, I’m just tired,” was his automatic reply. Bin’s hands withdrew from his hair and he immediately missed them and their warmth. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you and keep you up.”

“You could never bother me, Binnie.” It was a horribly honest answer that he hadn’t meant to say, but the way that Bin laid his head on the back of Eunwoo’s neck and giggled softly; puffing warm breath across his skin made him regret it a little less. 

“Dongmin?”'

Bin was the only one who called him by his real name anymore, something that made it hurt more. Like Bin was the last person on the planet who saw the real him and not the person he created. It was stupid notion, because his other memebers knew him just as well as anyone. But when Bin mumbles his name like that in the dark he couldn’t help but feel so far from an idol and so much like a boy who is in love with his best friend so much that he aches. 

“Yes, Binnie?” 

“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?” 

It wasn’t like it has never happened before. They had been sharing a bed since their trainee days. But when comebacks grew close, they resembled zombies more than people and they slept on any cushioned surface and didn’t need any help to reach dreamland.And when they started to grow up and get more popular Eunwoo had gotten more solo schedules and they had fallen out of the habit of falling asleep together. Then his heart had betrayed him, and he had never been able to look at Bin in the eyes and ask him to climb down from the top bunk to join him. 

“Of course, scoot over.” 

He had never been able to deny Bin anything. It hurt the way they fit together so perfectly. Bin’s head against his chest and Eunwoo’s longer legs wrapped around the other’s ankles. He found it ironic how Bin was the one who always ran hot but it was Eunwoo who was burning from the inside out. Bin fingers were fiddling with the ends of Eunwoo’s shirt and teased the strip of skin at the waistband of his pants. He would’ve started sweating if it wasn’t mid November. He thought back to his problem. Laying in the dark listening to Moonbin’s soft snores with his arms around his waist, he thought about why he couldn’t answer questions about Moonbin. 

Maybe it was because he couldn’t tell the hosts of variety shows how his favorite thing to do in the mornings was wake up Moonbin and satisfy the selfish part of him that needed to be the first thing the other’s soft sleepy eyes saw every day. Maybe it was because he couldn’t tell the MCs of radio shows how his favorite thing about Moonbin wasn’t when he showed off his body, but the shy way he would cling to him and blush that would paint his face afterwards. He couldn’t tell anyone that one of Moonbin’s talents was fitting perfectly into the curves of Eunwoo’s body like he was made to be there. He sure as hell couldn’t tell anyone that his favorite part of Moonbin was his lips, no matter what they were doing. Smiling, pouting, chewing, talking. Eunwoo would never let anyone know how often he stared at them, imagining how soft they must be, because Moonbin had a horrible habit of chewing on them when he was nervous. 

He doesn’t know when his feelings for the other became so complex, but there was no hope of untangling them now. Every time that Bin looked at him with a smile that crinkled his eyes, Eunwoo could feel the smoke build in his lungs. As he stared at the bottom of Bin’s bunk he wondered how long it would be before he suffocated.  
Turns out he wouldn’t have to wait very long. He was in the car on the way home from a solo schedule when he got the call. He doesn’t remember much of it, his entire body had gone numb after the words Moonbin - faint - broken - hospital. At some point their manager must’ve hung up because he found himself listening to the dial tone. His fingers shook as he tried to dial a new number. JinJin answered on the first ring. 

“Hyung-” Eunwoo didn’t realize he was crying, but he couldn’t get more words out around the building moisture in his throat. 

“I know, I know. We are all at the dorm. He’s fine. Manager hyung is driving him home, he’s coming home today,” JinJin’s voice was steady and reassuring. He was saying everything that Eunwoo’s frantic mind needed to hear in the moment. He was okay. He was coming home. He was okay. 

“What happened?” Eunwoo hated how his voice shook, but he knew that JinJin was the last person on earth who would judge him for it right now.  
“He was in the practice rooms alone. Rocky found him. Manger said it's some mix of stress and dehydration. He also thinks Bin’s not sleeping.”

No. Eunwoo thinks. He slept in my arms last night. He didn’t share that with JinJin though. He was on autopilot after that. He walked into a quiet dorm and wasn’t even in the right mindset to think about how rare or unsettling the silence was. Rocky was plastered to MJ on the couch, Eunwoo noticed how his eyes were rimmed with an angry red, he also noticed how no one mentioned it. He decided to make coffee. His hands itched with restlessness. He didn’t know how long he watched coffee brew, drip by drip, but a hand suddenly slipped into his and he jerked violently. It was Sanha who regarded him with sad eyes. 

“You know it's not your fault, Hyung.” 

Eunwoo didn’t know what to say to that. Usually he was the one comforting others. He was usually the one with the perfectly crafted facade that could withstand anything, but here was their maknae reading his turbulent thoughts like he was speaking them freely. Sanha must have also understood his silence because he just put his head on his shoulder and watched the coffee continue to brew at it's painfully slow pace. 

When their manager and Bin came home it was well into the night. Bin’s arm was in a sling and it was obvious that he had been crying, though he smiled for them all when they greeted him. Sanha and MJ yelled about how they had been planning to say nice things at his funeral and it was a shame they would have to cancel the florist they ordered. JinJin patted him on the cheek like a father would and told him that he was glad he was back. Rocky quietly approached him with shuffling feet and it was Bin who had to drag him into a one-armed, bone crushing hug that the other returned wholeheartedly. But when all the fuss passed and Bin’s eyes met his, Eunwoo felt like hiding. What do you say to someone that you thought you loved but had failed so monumentally? 

Their manager didn’t give him time to think about it because he asked for them all to take a seat in their living room. Eunwoo watched the way that Bin’s face fell and he knew that something bad was coming. He reached out, looped his pinky around Bin’s and reveled in the way that Bin’s puppy like eyes went wide. He turned those eyes on him and Eunwoo went breathless as they sparkled in their dorm’s shitty lighting. He felt Bin grab his hand and link the rest of their fingers tightly. 

“I’m sorry to be such a bother,” Bin whispered. 

“You could never bother me, Binnie.”

Eunwoo would watch a thousand coffee pots brew to see be the reason that Bin smiled the way he did in that moment. Real and raw, and almost sad like he almost knew how honest Eunwoo was being when he said that. He let Bin pull him down next to him on the couch. He let Bin squeeze his hand when their manager told the rest of the members that Bin wasn’t going to promote their comeback with them. He let Bin cry into his shoulder until he fell asleep that night. 

There were no more questions about Bin, because Bin wasn’t there anymore. 

They promoted Blue Flame as 5 members and adjusted the best way they could, but a part of Eunwoo didn’t want to adjust. He no longer had to wake up the other in the mornings, which meant there was no dazed and slightly grumpy Bin clinging to his arm during their morning car rides and schedules. Bin had gone back to sleeping in his own bed every night. He told Eunwoo that he didn’t want to keep him awake when he still had to do schedules. Bin no longer ate with them and meals were quiet and uneventful. Sanha and MJ did their best to make everyone smile. Rocky was always finding ways to distract him. They would play phone games and watch videos. It's like the younger knew that he couldn’t be alone with his thoughts. JinJin, their ever patient and thoughtful leader, knew that whatever attitude, mistakes, forgetfulness, or outbursts didn’t come from a place of actual anger towards one another. They weren’t whole and he was working so hard to keep them from falling apart even more. Eunwoo had never felt so lucky to have such amazing friends and members. He knew they were trying. 

But he had never felt so cold. Every performance, every interview, every show felt empty. He felt selfish. His members had done plenty of schedules without him and had never complained and here he was falling apart without Bin. 

Moonbin’s existence was like a dying star. Beautiful. Passionate, Burning. All Consuming. Moonbin lived in extremes. He laughed untill he snorted and ate until he burst. He dyed his hair in shades of pastel and danced until he collapsed. He conquered everything he did, and if he didn’t he was in the process of getting there. He existed so powerfully that he burned and Eunwoo would rather be consumed by the flames than feel whatever cold this was. 

Eunwoo was always called pretty and handsome, but Bin called him hard working and intelligent. People always said that Eunwoo was made to be a model or that he came straight out of a manga, but Bin would call him a loser with a smile or called him Minnie with a whine. Being without Bin was like looking back and not seeing your shadow. It was unsettling in a way hard to get out of your head. 

They were in the car on the way home from Inkyagio and he was pretending to listen to a pitchy rendition of Me Gusta Tu that Sanha and Rocky were doing. MJ and JinJin were fighting over whether MJ had cheated at their game of rock-paper-scissors they played to decide who would switch the laundry. Eunwoo was trying to calm the rapid beating of his heart as he counted down the streets until they got back to the dorm. 

Though the rest of the world was asleep and dark, the boys of Astro were restless and rowdy as they exited the car and made their way into their dorm. The door closed behind him with a resounding thud and he slid his shoes off next to the haphazard pile by the door. There was a shoe in the kitchen where he knew that someone tripped over it from the hallway and Sanah had already turned on some anime in the living room that Rocky was already complaining about. MJ was already scolding JinJin about something and Eunwoo watched the way his leader watched their oldest member with a longing smile that felt too much like looking in a mirror. 

What he didn’t expect was to walk into his and Bin’s shared room and find a lump under his covers. Bin hadn’t been in his bed since his hiatus started. The other had resembled a ghost in Eunwoo’s life. Eunwoo would be gone before Bin was awake and back when he was already in bed. He sat down next to the bump in his bedding, careful not to touch where he guessed Bin’s back was. 

“Binnie?” 

The sniffle he got as an answer made the ice that had encased his heart the last few weeks crack and melt away. 

“Oh Binnie.” He reached out a tentative hand and peeled away the blanket. The sight of Moonbin’s usually warm eyes swimming with tears made something deep within him break like a string wound too tight snapping violently inside him. He looked so small, cocooned in Eunwoo’s blankets like a child, with a head of wild lavender hair and glistening eyes that looked at Eunwoo like he held all the answers. He looked down and saw what was clutched in Bin’s hand, he was watching their performance from today. 

“Why are you watching that?” The question made more tears spring to the younger’s eyes and a small hiccup escaped him. His thumb was wiping the tears away from the fullest part of the other’s cheeks before he could even think to regret it. Bin nuzzled into the movement like a domestic cat and Eunwoo tried and failed to ignore how he was now gently cupping his face. The tips of his fingers tingled as he continued to move them across the high planes of the younger’s face in what he hoped was a soothing manner, but his hands were shaking. 

“You perform so well as five members. I don’t think you guys need me,” Bin whispered into the palm of Eunwoo’s hand brokenly. The cold that Eunwoo had been feeling spread through his entire body in a rush and almost made him dizzy. It was an icy sense of uncomfortable fear that made him feel nauseous. 

“What are you talking about? You’re our center. Nothing has been the same without you.” Eunwoo kept his words honest, but carefully thought out. He was still painfully aware of how close Bin’s lips were to the sensitive skin of his wrist.

Moonbin sat up before Eunwoo could move back to give him space and he was suddenly looking directly into the stars that lived in Moonbin’s eyes. He was close enough to see the feverish blush that painted his face and he resisted the urge to trace the tear tracks down his eyes to his lip and even the ones that escaped down his neck. He wanted to wipe away all of his pain and be the one to put him back together again. He had failed him once already and he was doing it again. 

“I’m not the lead anything. I’m not lead vocal or dancer or visual. What do I really add? If anyone were to watch this comeback it would seem like you were made to be five. Maybe I should just-”

“Don’t say things like that!”

Eunwoo hadn’t meant to shout. Bin was obviously startled and was looking at him with those wide eyes that were now scrunched at the eyebrows with confusion. Eunwoo was frozen, not knowing how to continue after his outburst. But there had just been so much honest distress and self-degradation in Bin’s voice that he couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Please don’t say things like that,” he whispered. He couldn’t meet the other’s eyes but he felt them still. They were sitting so close and there was nowhere to run from Moonbin and his searching gaze. 

“Minnie?”

It was like a crack in a dam that could no longer bear the weight of everything that he had been trying to hold back. Everything came crashing down and spilling out his heart and flooded his lungs and his head. He felt like he was drowning while sitting in his own room. He was struggling to breathe. He didn’t want to feel this way anymore. He was so cold in his loneliness. 

Eunwoo existed in shades of blue. Endless and monotonous tones of pthalo and navy. It was always his color, it was supposed to compliment him well or so their stylists had said. It had always felt so much deeper than that to him. Like his whole life had a tinted filter on it that made everything seem a tad sadder. He was cold all the time like winter never really left his bones. He could never get warm, unless he was with Moonbin. Because if Eunwoo was blue then Moonbin existed in shades of red. There was an eternal mischievous fire in his eyes that melted the frost that encased Eunwoo. Moonbin’s smile was like the gentle flame of a candle that always smelled like home and his laugh reminded him of pastel valentines hearts. Moonbin unfailingly ran hot. His hands blazed trails wherever they went and his heart was a hearth of burning emotions. Moonbin’s feelings were powerful things and they burned brilliant red, from his temper to his passion. Even his sadness was tinted red. Eunwoo could see it in his flushed cheeks and colored eyes. 

“I’m tired of being cold.” 

He was drowning, but he didn’t want to be saved. He was sinking into the depth of Moonbin’s glittery eyes and the scent of his shampoo. He would rather suffocate than be without his smile for a day. The chill in his core wasn’t welcome, it had come to the point where Eunwoo would rather die in the heat of Moonbin’s rejection than live in the cold of his absence. So he steeled himself and looked into those eyes that he dreamt of more nights than he would ever admit and he let himself be honest. 

“I’m so cold without you, Binnie. We need you. I need you. Everything feels so empty and cold when you’re not with us, with me.” Plush lips were released from pearly teeth that had been gnawing on them nervously, and parted around a quiet gasp that Eunwoo was close enough to feel against his chin. It gave him the strength to keep going. 

“These days have felt never ending and I can feel the ice in my chest and there is no one there to keep me from freezing. It so selfish to say all of this to you because none of this is your fault and the way that I feel about you-”

“How do you feel about me?” 

It made him pause in his ramblings. Moonbin was looking at him not with his disgust like he had always imagined. There was no fiery hand shoving him away or molten words of forsaking. Instead there was warmth. Like the kind that comes with a mug of hot tea on a cold morning. Bin’s eyes were doing that thing where they rounded out when he was waiting for something and Eunwoo could feel his heartbeat in his throat. 

“You make me feel everything.” It's like his words were a spell drawing the other in, so he kept going. “You overwhelm me in the best way possible. I burn and I melt, but most of all I think I…” he couldn’t get the words out. Not with the way that when he spoke his lips brushed the skin at the corner of Bin’s mouth. It meant that when the other smiled, Eunwoo felt it against his lips and he could’ve cried. 

“I know, Dongmin.” 

And then they were kissing. If Eunwoo thought he was burning before, he was aflame now. Everything inside of him lit up at once and he knew that if he died in the next moment he would’ve died happy. Moonbin’s lips were thin, but so soft and he tasted like tears and sunshine. It was chaste, only a few seconds but the residual burn on Eunwoo’s lips would last. When he opened his eyes he found Moonbin already gazing at him with a look that held more apprehension than he would’ve expected for someone who kissed him first. 

“How did you know?” 

Moonbin was suddenly very shy, hiding his face in the space where Eunwoo’s neck met his shoulder. He ran a hand through lavender locks and waited. After a few deep breaths the other lifted his face and Eunwoo was delighted to find that he was still sporting a blush. It was a wonder, he thought to himself, when Moonbin looked that stunning after he cried. He was so beautiful in the familiar dimness of their room, with his heart bared for Eunwoo to see. The hand caressing Bin's hair moved to cup his cheek and the action got Moonbin to look him in the eyes. 

“You’re such an idiot sometimes.” It wasn’t the answer he was expecting and almost refuted before the other continued first. “You have no idea how long I’ve liked you. But you were Cha Eunwoo. Why the hell would you look at me like that?” 

“Binnie…” Moonbin shut him up with a kiss to the corner of his mouth. So easily and domestically that Eunwoo had to remind himself to breathe after.

“Then one day I realised that you were Cha Eunwoo with everyone else, but Lee Dongmin with me. I made that more special to myself than I probably should’ve. I spent so long feeling guilty because you trusted me as your best friend and I felt this way towards you. Then sometimes I would look at you and you would already be looking at me. Sometimes I thought you were as scared to touch me as I was to touch you.”

Moonbin was saying it like he was telling Eunwoo what he had for breakfast this morning, but Eunwoo was in awe. So he did the only thing that his lovesick mind could think of in the moment, and he kissed Moonbin. He kissed him with all of the fear and the lonely nights he suffered. All of the shy smiles and censored touches he had restricted himself to. He kissed him with every moment that he knew that he loved Moonbin but didn’t show him. And he kissed him full of promises that he was going to show him how much he loved him every moment they had left together. When they laid down together in Eunwoo’s bed to sleep that night he had dreams of a boy who called him by his real name and tasted like sunshine.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting on AO3, if this is any good I have drafts of like 18 other unfinished stories that I could get my shit together and post. I just have a soft spot for Astro and thought the this ship could use come poetic angst. Thanks for reading!!


End file.
